Monday, August 8, 2011

Do You Think I'm Sexy?

No? You are not alone in that thinking. If you said yes, I would be hard pressed to believe you.

This is an internal rant only. I am pointing only one finger and it is at me.

I feel very much alone right now. I feel over worked and under appreciated, at home and at work.
I feel the need to hire someone for my complaint department.
That person would be overworked and most likely quit.

I hurt everywhere. My knees hurt, my shoulders hurt. I am having trouble sleeping, it is been like this for many weeks. I may be going in for knee surgery soon. But I don't know if it will help, but I have to try. But I show up everyday knowing what I do for a living is hurting me physically and scarring me for the rest of my life.

Not to long ago, I had many a woman hit on me, interested in something more and I turned them all down.
Now they are not interested anymore. I have become a blank face in the crowd. It used to be fun, the flirting,
on both sides, online and in person.

But no more. Silence. No one looks at me romantically. None.

The ones I am attracted to are not receptive. I look for kindness, some beauty, some intelligence mixed in. Is that to much to ask? I think so. I can give back the kindness and intelligence I think, the beauty is for you to judge.

So far any way, my track record is not looking good.

What do I have to offer you might ask? Not much I am afraid. I am 58 going 59. That means. yep. in a year or two I will be sixty years old. Can I wine and dine you? Buy you gifts? Vacation hideaways. No, None of the above. And when you get to a certain age, many women cross you off the list. He is too old. A fact of life.

I don't think I take a picture well or I would show more on line. I have never been described as good looking by anyone. But I have a great sense of humor, I can  make you laugh or I used to anyway.  Apparently that is not enough. Trying to make you laugh on line is very difficult. Much better in person I guess.

I used to think my plusses out did my minuses. Not any more. It has been so long since I got a kiss from a woman, I wouldn't know how to react. A hug, being touched. Sex is definitely not there. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to romance a woman and have her lust after me, or at least pretend.

All of this is missing from my life.

I am not a man of prestige. I am not a man of title. I am not a man of great respect in the community.  I don't have women hanging on my every word. But I didn't expect that. But it would be nice. ha

But I work hard every day and give my all. That appears to be not enough.

Right now financially it is impossible to move on. I hope that will change.

Does this sound like a bunch of male whining to you? Absolutely. Am I wrong on many things? Who knows?

This post will probably make me lose a few followers after reading it. Some will stick by me. Some won't care either way. I expect comments to be mixed, if any respond at all. Many read but don't respond. That won't change. I am leaving Facebook too. It would appear I am not the social animal either. I give up.

I will answer comments and e mails eventually. Sit tight. If they are angry e mails or comments don't bother.
I need support not more of what I have already.

I have used the word stoic before. I take what life hands me in stride. But eventually there is a health cost.
You can't hide what hurts forever. My happy time moments occur less and less.

I may be gone a few days, maybe a week, I don't know. I had to get this off my chest. If you are supportive, thank you. If you are not, thank you.

Smokey Robinson said it best, "the tears of a clown when no ones around."

I have just done what many a man will not do and that is share my pain. I have no more to offer. If it appears I have issues, who doesn't? If it appears I am an idiot, perception is reality.

I will not write about this again.

ray





18 comments:

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Wow. You don't see honesty like this very often, especially from men talking about how they feel.

Don't let age bother you; we're all getting older. There are plenty of attractive single women in their 50s out there who would appreciate the intelligence and humor you have to offer.

I always thought you were married, Ray. I'm sorry that I must have missed some posts.

You won't feel like this forever, trust me. Keep the faith. I truly believe that the universe unfolds in divine order and I have no reason to believe that's not so.

Hugs to you,

Linda

middle child said...

You can be with someone and still be lonely at times. Touch is so very important. Wherever........ however ...... you need this. It could be something as simple as petting a dog. Letting your hand dip into a stream or being pelted by rain on a hot summer night. You need someone who "gets" you. I can feel the warmth of character that comes from within you. Find your happiness in your current life and live it. Once you are content others will notice.

Josie said...

I feel for you. The post was beautiful, eloquent and painful and you now have a new reader. :)

I don't profess to know anything about you but I get the feeling that.....

You're pining away for someone you can't have. As much as you want her you need to move on for your own self preservation. I don't mean to sound cliche but there are really many women in your same boat - middle aged that would welcome a little attention, a little laughter, a little fun.

Hang tight.

Julie D said...

Well, that "rant" got you a new reader, pal. :)

I want to fix you up with my sister. Granted, she's in Ohio, but we can work something out. She's your age, divorced, and would be a great partner.

And for the record, if I were single, I'd hit on you myself. :)

Debbie said...

Ray ... what you just posted took so much courage and I applaud and support you in your "whining". You are not whining my friend, you are merely letting what is inside out. Most women feel this way alot. Most men probably do too but would slit their wrists before admitting it. So, I am giving you a standing ovation right now and sending all my postive love/thoughts and energy into the ether to reach you and maybe, for a little bit, make you feel worthy, loved, IMPORTANT. And if I were single, I'd definitely give you a shot ... any man that can make me laugh already has a huge head start!

XOXO
Deb

Kym said...

First time reader sent from Linda Lou. I admire your words. I'll be back for more. Easy to say, but I know there are plenty of wonderful woman out there who would appreciate a man like you.

raydenzel1 said...

I want to thank every one for the wonderful response, but I want to clear up a few things. I did not want this to be a pity party for myself.

Vegas Linda, yes I am married, for a very long time. I did not want to misrepresent myself in any way.
I understand that there is always another side to any story. I am very frustrated in how things have turned out. I am sure I have many faults, many have been pointed out.

Every thing I have said in the post are true from my point of view.

I am posting this comment from work so please excuse any spelling errors.

I will do a follow up post later with further thoughts. Thank you

Vegas Linda Lou said...

No pity party, Ray! This is a bunch of (smart and caring) women appreciating and celebrating a man who's brave enough to reveal his honest feelings. We don't get that very often.

Bar L. said...

I came over from Linda's too. I can relate to everything you said, but from a female perspective. I thought you were single too, but knowing you are married and feel this way makes me sad. I am not married and often think that's what I want (like anyone's asked me on a date in years!) but then I am often reminded that sometimes marriage is not always what us single people think it is.

Thanks for sharing this. I'll be reading here from now on.

Jamie said...

Ditto on all above, as well as I am from Linda's. I must say, this post gained you many new friends and followers, myself included.

I just don't see what you do, but when does anyone see what we see in our own mirror? When I look at that tiny photograph of you, I see a kind smile, warmth and love in your eyes. That is enough. It is enough for today, and will be enough when the person that you are meant to be with looks at you. I certainly understand the feelings you write about, but more than that--I admire your ability to express them.

Just wait for the timing, as in this universe, the timing of all things is EVERYTHING. Learn from what you feel now and use it in the days ahead, both good and bad. There is much to be learned from sadness and loneliness. Unfortunately, when all things are running along perfectly, we have little to take from it, as hard times make for future good. Ugh, I know I am not making a bit of sense here, but somehow I believe you "get" it.

Oh -- and for your attributes or lack of them? You are uber-talented..good hell, you can write, you are eloquent and artistic. What more could you want?

Hang in. Better days ahead. Pinky swear.

Your new friend...Jamie

raydenzel1 said...

Vegas Linda

I want to thank you for the warm response I have gotten from this post. It means a lot to me.

Middle Child
You may be right. Standing in the rain letting it wash over me may be a good idea. It could happen today, after all this is rainy season in Florida!

Josie
When I read your comment, I looked around to see if your were in the room! You are right of course. Remind me not to play cards with you, especially when I am showing all my cards face up!

Julie

Thank you Julie. I have been by your blog before. I hope your business is doing well for you. Ah, the Buckeye state!

Debbie

Writing has become such a release, it is hard to explain. I don't think I rate a standing ovation, but never the less I will accept it with open arms.

Kym
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts with me.

Barbara

Marriage has many wonderful qualities to it. Don't let my ramble turn you off to it. After stating it, I would bet you will be dating someone soon!

Jamie
I had to look up the definition for eloquent. I am blushing from your kind words. It took me a long time to have the courage to express myself with writing, poetry and drawing. A work in progress! Thank you.


I want to thank everyone for all the comments both public and the private e mails I received too. They are very supportive and comforting.

I do want to say though, that such a public display is rare. I always have much to say on just about anything and I hope you will be back. More man views! ha ha

Thanks once again.

ray

Anonymous said...

I came over from Vegas Linda Lou's blog. I have to say wow. Kudos to you for putting it all out there bluntly and honestly.

As I was reading I understood every word, feeling and pain. Nothing you said pertains to age whatsoever. I am 36, been married 17 years, have rheumatoid arthritis and the words you describe could very well have been written by me except the female parts mind you, I don't swing that way yet. LOL

It's life and life can be a pain. When we keep losing or feel as if we are always losing it sticks out and makes us feel badly. But, if you look around, really look around you will notice that every one is suffering. It honestly, took me losing my younger sister to Cancer to realize that my life is way better than I ever thought it was.

Yours can be as well, just don't give up and put in that extra effort if you need to. Thank you for posting such a honest post. Don't stop writing, I will be back for more.

raydenzel1 said...

forjenssake

Thank you for stopping by. I feel for you and your pain. I think that if my health gets to where I want it to be, I can shrug off the down bits in my life. Not to worry, I won't stop writing!

Vicky De Leo said...

If you've been married for many years and are still not receiving those kisses and hugs, then you're not married, just living together. Every time my husband kisses me, he says, "old people don't do this"for which I quickly reply,"apparently they do." There nothing like having a partner that shares your pain and loves you anyway.Maybe if you dump the woman who is taking you for granted, she'll wake up.

Cameron said...

As you can see, this post has generated a LOT of very positive things, including a few new visitors to your blog -- of which I am one!

Although I am a gay man, happily partnered, I relate to your post because we are about the same age (I am 57) and experience the same kind of feelings about myself at times.

It is difficult to reconcile the "inner child" with the image of the middle-aged man looking out from the mirror. The late 50s seem to be a time of reassessment in general.

It is important to express our feelings about this, then hopefully look carefully at what negative things we are telling ourselves, and shift them to positive ones. It seems that the most vital, young-acting and long-living people have the most positive attitudes about themselves.

This is by no means easy, but a worthwhile goal. I'm working hard on this myself!

All best wishes,
Cameron

raydenzel1 said...

Cameron
Once again, thanks for stopping by. The positive response to this post has been pointing out that I have many things going for me that I had moved off to the side. Down times have no race, creed, sex, lifestyle preferences when it happens. A rough patch I have been told. Thanks for the words of encouragement.

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Oh! This made me mist up. I am so sorry you're hurting, my friend. (And for some reason, I thought you were married? huh.) Anyway, *hugs*. *Prayers.*

raydenzel1 said...

Dawn

I am married, many, many years. All hugs are welcome!

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